Below are previous drafts of my feature article documenting my immersion experience. If you would rather read the final product instead, click here or if you would like to see the works cited click here.
More Than a Bottle Fifth Draft (11/5/19)
This experience starts on September 27, 2019 at 6:00 pm, an hour before the meeting, with a typical girl who has NOTHING to wear. As I walked through my closet, of course I had tons of options, but what exactly do you wear to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting? I was raised in a Christian household, where we are told every week at church to love everyone because Jesus loves everyone, except there’s this underlying assumption that people who struggle with addiction are “less than perfect.” As I saw it, I had two options; to walk into that meeting dressed to the nines, making it obvious that I was not one of them, or dress more casual and possibly be mistaken for one of them. I did not want either. I settled on jeans and a blouse, with a flashy handbag for balance, deciding it was best to just be me; well dressed and put together.
Fast forward to the church parking lot, the place where the meeting was happening, and I had arrived 15 minutes early. Being full of assumptions that night, I figured no one would be on time to an event of this sort, so I sat in my car and waited until 5 minutes before it started. The church looked like the stereotypical brick building with a tall, white steeple. Nothing like the church I attend every Sunday. I parked on the side, not the front, since I saw a few scattered cars on that side as well. I mean who else would be at church at 7:00 on a Friday night. I walked into the church not having a clue where the meeting was exactly. I turned down a hallway with lights on and saw this smaller framed man with glasses bigger than his face and a big ol grin, standing at the end, welcoming me. “He’s welcoming me inside? For all he knows I’m here for the same reason as the rest of them and don’t even look old enough to drink.” He told me there was coffee on the back table and to find a seat anywhere one is open. Being the coffee connoisseur that I am, I decided to skip the coffee seeing as though it was Folgers, not Starbucks, and looked old.
Alcoholic's Anonymous is a 12 step program used to help members recover from alcoholism,
usually with the help of a sponsor. Since AA is anonymous, the success rate is not 100%
accurate since some members refuse participation in studies to preserve their anonymity or
some may not admit to relapse. In a study done with more than 6,000 participants, "27% of
[them] were sober for less than a year. In addition, 24% of the participants were sober 1-5 years
while 13% were sober 5-10 years. Fourteen percent of the participants were sober 10-20 years,
and 22% were sober for 20 or more years" (Wagener). Another, more long term, study was
performed with one group receiving formal recovery treatment, one group being informally
treated (attending AA meetings), and one group receiving no treatment. "The one-year and
three-year follow-up points indicated that half of the participants who entered into AA on their
own were abstinent while only a quarter of those who entered into formal treatment were
abstinent at the time of the follow-up" thus proving that AA meetings and the 12 steps are
indeed effective (Wagener).
As I scanned the room all I saw was a bunch of alcoholics. The smiley guy with glasses came up
to me and pointed out a seat close to the front and suggested I sit there. Not wanting to be rude,
I picked up my things and switched seats. The room was small and dull. The walls were a faded
olive green color, with a few black inspirational wall decals scattered unprofessionally on one of
the walls. The famous Sunday school “accordion walls” had been pushed back to make both tiny rooms into a bit larger of a room.
The white collapsible tables had been rearranged to form a box-like shape, for the convenience of sitting in
a "discussion circle." My legs were cold against the metal folding chairs. The chair of the meeting that week
walked over and asked if I was a nurse shadowing this meeting for clinical purposes. “Thank goodness it’s
obvious I’m not one of them” I thought to myself, very relieved. I explained I was a college student doing
research for a project and without skipping a beat he okayed me taking notes, but asked I refrain from pictures that would involve faces, out of respect of the anonymity of this group. I waited for the meeting to begin, quietly sitting in my seat, observing the room. I noticed there were mostly men and hardly any women. As it turns out "men tend to drink more and at higher volumes than women" (Comparing Demographics). There was one guy in particular who stuck out to me, he didn’t look much older than me and was very well dressed and put together. This hit me hard. “Even people like me end up in these meetings too.”
Factors such as race, gender, and socioeconomic status relate closely to alcohol consumption. "Men tend to drink more and at higher volumes than women" (Comparing Demographics). Men are able to metabolize alcohol faster than women. If a man and a woman drink the same amount at the same rate the woman will have a higher blood alcohol concentration than the man. It has also been found that "high socioeconomic status has been associated with higher rates of overall consumption and frequency, while low socioeconomic status has been associated with higher percentages of adverse alcohol outcomes such as binge drinking, alcohol abuse, and alcohol dependence (Hilliard). While alcohol is not a positive coping mechanism it is one many people turn to. Genetic disposition and environment play a big role in whether or not alcohol is chosen as a coping mechanism. People of low income may drink less frequently but their tendencies to binge drink and abuse alcohol are increased more than those of higher income. This might can explain the division of demographics I saw present at the AA meeting' mostly men, only a few women, most looked from lower income and only a few with a decent income.
By this point the meeting was starting and all attention was on the chair, someone whose children missed out on their father being around for an hour every Friday evening. Someone who looked like a regular dad with a local high school track tee and cargo shorts, but this was just a visage. He had his own struggles.
“Let’s have a moment of silence for those still suffering from the grapple of alcoholism.” Following this moment of silence, someone read the serenity prayer. It goes like this:
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”
The AA preamble followed this prayer. The thing that stuck out most from that passage was that one must have the capacity to be honest with themselves in order to be successful with AA. If you can not let go of control or be honest, you will not find success in AA. A small wicker basket was then passed around. When it got to me, I stared down into it and saw many green George Washingtons and Abraham Lincolns staring back at me. I passed the basket to the man next to me and continued listening. The chair then asked if anyone had any new length of sobriety to be celebrated. He listed off time periods (1 week, 2 weeks, 1 month, etc). One woman raised her hand and stated she had been sober for 30 days as of that day. The entire room clapped and cheered. “30 days? That’s 1/12 of a year! Why are people so proud? She’s still got a long way to go.” But as I continued to listen to the struggles in the daily lives of these alcoholics, my mindset changed drastically.
"Let's have a moment of silence for those still suffering the grapples of alcoholism."
She walked out of her bedroom, relieved to see both her husband and kids were gone. This meant she had the house to herself for the evening. She stumbled for her keys in the dark and headed to the liquor store. There was no wandering down each aisle, she went straight for her usual; vodka and wine. The cashier made small talk but all she could think about was the places she could pull over on the way home to have a drink. Before she even starts the car, two small bottles are already gone. She thought about her husband and kids, her plan of escape if she saw them back at home. When she pulled in the driveway, her husband's car was gone; a sigh of relief. She stumbled through the front door and up to the bathroom where she finished her sixth small bottle of vodka and half a bottle of wine. She could hear the front door open and her kids yelled "mommyyy where are youuuu?" and that was the last thing she heard before she passed out on the bathroom floor.
The chair began the discussion for the evening. He read from the 24 hour book of daily reflections then called on a man across the room to start the discussion. Each person’s introduction was “Hello my name is ________ and I’m an alcoholic.” In unison, everyone would then follow in responding with “Hi ________.” Each person who spoke had a slightly different story but I saw a comm thread in all of them; sobriety was their best friend right now and they were truly working to beat this monster that is alcoholism. Most all of them had to hit some kind of rock bottom before they began recovery.
"For me, my rock bottom was death" (Jenna) Jenna drank herself to death, literally. Six months earlier, Jenna wokup in a hospital room after being on life support for eight days. Her boyfriend had found her on the floor of their apartment surrounded by liquor bottles, lacking a pulse. 911 was called, it was all a blur after that. The paramedics warned him she did not have much of a chance. Recalling those eight days, Jenna had a "white light moment" and "vivid dreams." She wanted to walk towards the light, but part of her held back. Jenna was not done fulfilling God's will for her life. When Jenna woke up, it was as if a switch had flipped. No longer did she want to drink, Jenna wanted to make the most of this "second chance [she] was given at life." Jenna decided to start attending weekly AA meetings and has not had a drink since her death experience.
Each person who spoke described their realization and how that motivated them to begin making a change. When they each found AA some recoveries were slower than others. Some had to rework “the steps” several times before finally getting on the right path. Each of them mentioned how good they felt helping others and not being so selfish.
Bill became addicted to alcohol as a result of coping with the stress that his life brought him. He needed an escape and ended up escaping more than those temporary stressful moments. It started with going to the bar after work a few days a week. Eventually it escalated to passing out at the bar overnight, or staying home and binge drinking. Bill’s drink of choice varied between anything from whiskey to vodka. As the months went by Bill continued his drinking habits until one day he danced along the edge of death, finally scared.
“I laid on the basement floor, finally hoping someone would rescue me" (Bill).
Bill prayed, not even knowing if there was a God, but promising that if there was this would be the last straw and he would go to great lengths to become sober. Through the course of finding an AA group as well as a sponsor, Bill gave God credit for “[taking] the taste out of [his] mouth and the desire out of [his] mind.”
When the meeting came to an end the chairperson walked back up to me and asked if I needed anything else. He gave me some literature, as they call it, so I had some background knowledge as to how this all works. I thanked him and before I walked out, one of the older gentleman stopped me. He overheard I was a college student working on a project and asked what college I went to and my major. I responded with IUPUI, Neuroscience Pre-Med. He congratulated me and wished me luck and that I would never fall off the wagon like many of those people had. I found that very sweet and had a smile on my face as I walked back to my car.
I walked into this meeting sitting on my high horse, much like the rest of the world. I left humbled. I learned a great deal about not only others, but myself in that meeting. I learned that this group of people are people too, not just "a bunch of alcoholics." They are human. Some of these individuals innocently had a drink one day and that’s what started it. Others needed a coping mechanism and just chose the wrong one. These people were mothers and daughters, sons and fathers. I was given a glimpse into each of these people’s daily lives and daily struggles and it humbled me. These people were some of the sweetest most welcoming people, and yet the entire world looks down on them as if they are garbage on the side of the road. I’m the first to admit I’m guilty of thinking it as well; that they are “less than” because society defines them by their struggle. But they are trying. The effort is there, or else they would not have been at that meeting to begin with.
"My rock bottom was death."
"I laid on the basement floor, finally hoping someone would rescue me."
Fourth Draft (10/31/19)
This experience starts on September 27, 2019 at 6:00 pm, an hour before the meeting, with a typical girl who has NOTHING to wear. As I walked through my closet, of course I had tons of options, but what exactly do you wear to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting? I was raised in a Christian household, where we are told every week at church to love everyone because Jesus loves everyone, except there’s this underlying assumption that people who struggle with addiction are “less than perfect.” As I saw it, I had two options; to walk into that meeting dressed to the nines, making it obvious that I was not one of them, or dress more casual and possibly be mistaken for one of them. I did not want either. I settled on jeans and a blouse, with a flashy handbag for balance, deciding it was best to just be me; well dressed and put together.
Fast forward to the church parking lot, the place where the meeting was happening, and I had arrived 15 minutes early. Being full of assumptions that night, I figured no one would be on time to an event of this sort, so I sat in my car and waited until 5 minutes before it started. The church looked like the stereotypical brick building with a tall, white steeple. Nothing like the church I attend every Sunday. I parked on the side, not the front, since I saw a few scattered cars on that side as well. I mean who else would be at church at 7:00 on a Friday night. I walked into the church not having a clue where the meeting was exactly. I turned down a hallway with lights on and saw this smaller framed man with glasses bigger than his face and a big ol grin, standing at the end, welcoming me. “He’s welcoming me inside? For all he knows I’m here for the same reason as the rest of them and don’t even look old enough to drink.” He told me there was coffee on the back table and to find a seat anywhere one is open. Being the coffee connoisseur that I am, I decided to skip the coffee seeing as though it was Folgers, not Starbucks, and looked old.
Alcoholic's Anonymous is a 12 step program used to help members recover from alcoholism, usually with
the help of a sponsor. Since AA is anonymous, the success rate is not 100% accurate since some members
refuse participation in studies to preserve their anonymity or some may not admit to relapse. In a study
done with more than 6,000 participants, "27% of [them] were sober for less than a year. In addition, 24%
of the participants were sober 1-5 years while 13% were sober 5-10 years. Fourteen percent of the participants
were sober 10-20 years, and 22% were sober for 20 or more years" (Wagener). Another, more long term,
study was performed with one group receiving formal recovery treatment, one group being informally
treated (attending AA meetings), and one group receiving no treatment. "The one-year and three-year
follow-up points indicated that half of the participants who entered into AA on their own were abstinent
while only a quarter of those who entered into formal treatment were abstinent at the time of the follow-up"
thus proving that AA meetings and the 12 steps are indeed effective (Wagener).
As I scanned the room all I saw was a bunch of alcoholics. The smiley guy with glasses came up to me and
pointed out a seat close to the front and suggested I sit there. Not wanting to be rude, I picked up my things
and switched seats. The room was small and dull. The walls were a faded olive green color, with a few black
inspirational wall decals scattered unprofessionally on one of the walls. The famous Sunday school
“accordion walls” had been pushed back to make both tiny rooms into a bit larger of a room.
The white collapsible tables had been rearranged to form a box-like shape, for the convenience of sitting in
a "discussion circle." My legs were cold against the metal folding chairs. The chair of the meeting that week
walked over and asked if I was a nurse shadowing this meeting for clinical purposes. “Thank goodness it’s
obvious I’m not one of them” I thought to myself, very relieved. I explained I was a college student doing
research for a project and without skipping a beat he okayed me taking notes, but asked I refrain from pictures that would involve faces, out of respect of the anonymity of this group. I waited for the meeting to begin, quietly sitting in my seat, observing the room. I noticed there were mostly men and hardly any women. As it turns out "men tend to drink more and at higher volumes than women" (Comparing Demographics). There was one guy in particular who stuck out to me, he didn’t look much older than me and was very well dressed and put together. This hit me hard. “Even people like me end up in these meetings too.”
Factors such as race, gender, and socioeconomic status relate closely to alcohol consumption. "Men tend to drink more and at higher volumes than women" (Comparing Demographics). Men are able to metabolize alcohol faster than women. If a man and a woman drink the same amount at the same rate the woman will have a higher blood alcohol concentration than the man. It has also been found that "high socioeconomic status has been associated with higher rates of overall consumption and frequency, while low socioeconomic status has been associated with higher percentages of adverse alcohol outcomes such as binge drinking, alcohol abuse, and alcohol dependence (Hilliard). While alcohol is not a positive coping mechanism it is one many people turn to. Genetic disposition and environment play a big role in whether or not alcohol is chosen as a coping mechanism. People of low income may drink less frequently but their tendencies to binge drink and abuse alcohol are increased more than those of higher income. This might can explain the division of demographics I saw present at the AA meeting' mostly men, only a few women, most looked from lower income and only a few with a decent income.
By this point the meeting was starting and all attention was on the chair, someone whose children missed out on their father being around for an hour every Friday evening. Someone who looked like a regular dad with a local high school track tee and cargo shorts, but this was just a visage. He had his own struggles.
“Let’s have a moment of silence for those still suffering from the grapple of alcoholism.” Following this moment of silence, someone read the serenity prayer. It goes like this:
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”
The AA preamble followed this prayer. The thing that stuck out most from that passage was that one must have the capacity to be honest with themselves in order to be successful with AA. If you can not let go of control or be honest, you will not find success in AA. A small wicker basket was then passed around. When it got to me, I stared down into it and saw many green George Washingtons and Abraham Lincolns staring back at me. I passed the basket to the man next to me and continued listening. The chair then asked if anyone had any new length of sobriety to be celebrated. He listed off time periods (1 week, 2 weeks, 1 month, etc). One woman raised her hand and stated she had been sober for 30 days as of that day. The entire room clapped and cheered. “30 days? That’s 1/12 of a year! Why are people so proud? She’s still got a long way to go.” But as I continued to listen to the struggles in the daily lives of these alcoholics, my mindset changed drastically.
"Let's have a moment of silence for those still suffering the grapples of alcoholism."
She walked out of her bedroom, relieved to see both her husband and kids were gone. This meant she had the house to herself for the evening. She stumbled for her keys in the dark and headed to the liquor store. There was no wandering down each aisle, she went straight for her usual; vodka and wine. The cashier made small talk but all she could think about was the places she could pull over on the way home to have a drink. Before she even starts the car, two small bottles are already gone. She thought about her husband and kids, her plan of escape if she saw them back at home. When she pulled in the driveway, her husband's car was gone; a sigh of relief. She stumbled through the front door and up to the bathroom where she finished her sixth small bottle of vodka and half a bottle of wine. She could hear the front door open and her kids yelled "mommyyy where are youuuu?" and that was the last thing she heard before she passed out on the bathroom floor.
The chair began the discussion for the evening. He read from the 24 hour book of daily reflections then called on a man across the room to start the discussion. Each person’s introduction was “Hello my name is ________ and I’m an alcoholic.” In unison, everyone would then follow in responding with “Hi ________.” Each person who spoke had a slightly different story but I saw a common thread in all of them; sobriety was their best friend right now and they were truly working to beat this monster that is alcoholism. Most all of them had to hit some kind of rock bottom before they began recovery.
"For me, my rock bottom was death." Jenna had drank herself to death, literally. Six months earlier, Jenna woke up in a hospital room after being on life support for eight days. Her boyfriend had found her on the floor of their apartment surrounded by liquor bottles, lacking a pulse. 911 was called, it was all a blur after that. The paramedics warned him she did not have much of a chance. Recalling those eight days, Jenna had a "white light moment" and "vivid dreams." She wanted to walk towards the light, but part of her held back. Jenna was not done fulfilling God's will for her life. When Jenna woke up, it was as if a switch had flipped. No longer did she want to drink, Jenna wanted to make the most of this "second chance [she] was given at life." Jenna decided to start attending weekly AA meetings and has not had a drink since her death experience.
Each person who spoke described their realization and how that motivated them to begin making a change. When they each found AA some recoveries were slower than others. Some had to rework “the steps” several times before finally getting on the right path. Each of them mentioned how good they felt helping others and not being so selfish.
Bill became addicted to alcohol as a result of coping with the stress that his life brought him. He needed an escape and ended up escaping more than those temporary stressful moments. It started with going to the bar after work a few days a week. Eventually it escalated to passing out at the bar overnight, or staying home and binge drinking. Bill’s drink of choice varied between anything from whiskey to vodka. As the months went by Bill continued his drinking habits until one day he danced along the edge of death, finally scared.
“I laid on the basement floor, finally hoping someone would rescue me.”
Bill prayed, not even knowing if there was a God, but promising that if there was this would be the last straw and he would go to great lengths to become sober. Through the course of finding an AA group as well as a sponsor, Bill gave God credit for “[taking] the taste out of [his] mouth and the desire out of [his] mind.”
When the meeting came to an end the chairperson walked back up to me and asked if I needed anything else. He gave me some literature, as they call it, so I had some background knowledge as to how this all works. I thanked him and before I walked out, one of the older gentleman stopped me. He overheard I was a college student working on a project and asked what college I went to and my major. I responded with IUPUI, Neuroscience Pre-Med. He congratulated me and wished me luck and that I would never fall off the wagon like many of those people had. I found that very sweet and had a smile on my face as I walked back to my car.
I walked into this meeting sitting on my high horse, much like the rest of the world. I left humbled. I learned a great deal about not only others, but myself in that meeting. I learned that this group of people are people too, not just "a bunch of alcoholics." They are human. Some of these individuals innocently had a drink one day and that’s what started it. Others needed a coping mechanism and just chose the wrong one. These people were mothers and daughters, sons and fathers. I was given a glimpse into each of these people’s daily lives and daily struggles and it humbled me. These people were some of the sweetest most welcoming people, and yet the entire world looks down on them as if they are garbage on the side of the road. I’m the first to admit I’m guilty of thinking it as well; that they are “less than” because society defines them by their struggle. But they are trying. The effort is there, or else they would not have been at that meeting to begin with.
"My rock bottom was death."
"I laid on the basement floor, finally hoping someone would rescue me."
Third Draft 10/27/19
This experience starts on September 27, 2019 at 6:00 pm, an hour before the meeting, with a typical girl who has NOTHING to wear. As I walked through my closet, of course I had tons of options, but what exactly do you wear to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting? I was raised in a Christian household, where we are told every week at church to love everyone because Jesus loves everyone, except there’s this underlying assumption that people who struggle with addiction are “less than perfect.” As I saw it, I had two options; to walk into that meeting dressed to the nines, making it obvious that I was not one of them, or dress more casual and possibly be mistaken for one of them. I did not want either. I settled on jeans and a blouse, with a flashy handbag for balance, deciding it was best to just be me; well dressed and put together.
Fast forward to the church parking lot, the place where the meeting was happening, and I had arrived 15 minutes early. Being full of assumptions that night, I figured no one would be on time to an event of this sort, so I sat in my car and waited until 5 minutes before it started. I walked into the front of the church not having a clue where the meeting was exactly. As I turned down the hallway I saw this smaller framed man with glasses bigger than his face, and a big ol grin welcoming me. “He’s welcoming me inside? For all he knows I’m here for the same reason as the rest of them and don’t even look old enough to drink.” He told me there was coffee on the back table and to find a seat anywhere one is open. I smiled, skipped the coffee, and found myself a seat in the back.
As I scanned the room all I saw was a bunch of alcoholics. The smiley guy with glasses came up to me and pointed out a seat closer to the front and suggested I sit there. Not wanting to be rude, I picked up my things and switched seats. The room was small. The tables had been rearranged to form a box-like shape, for the convenience of sitting in a "discussion circle." The chair of the meeting that week walked over and asked if I was a nurse shadowing this meeting for clinical purposes. “Thank goodness it’s obvious I’m not one of them” I thought to myself, very relieved. I explained I was a college student doing research for a project and without skipping a beat he okayed me taking notes, but asked I refrain from pictures that would involve faces, out of respect of the anonymity of this group. I waited for the meeting to begin, quietly sitting in my seat, observing the room. I noticed there were mostly men and hardly any women. As it turns out "men tend to drink more and at higher volumes than women" (Comparing Demographics). There was one guy in particular who stuck out to me, he didn’t look much older than me and was very well dressed and put together. This hit me hard. “Even people like me end up in these meetings too.”
Factors such as race, gender, and socioeconomic status relate closely to alcohol consumption. "Men tend to drink more and at higher volumes than women" (Comparing Demographics). Men are able to metabolize alcohol faster than women. If a man and a woman drink the same amount at the same rate the woman will have a higher blood alcohol concentration than the man. It has also been found that "high socioeconomic status has been associated with higher rates of overall consumption and frequency, while low socioeconomic status has been associated with higher percentages of adverse alcohol outcomes such as binge drinking, alcohol abuse, and alcohol dependence (Hilliard). While alcohol is not a positive coping mechanism it is one many people turn to. Genetic disposition and environment play a big role in whether or not alcohol is chosen as a coping mechanism. People of low income may drink less frequently but their tendencies to binge drink and abuse alcohol are increased more than those of higher income.
By this point the meeting was starting and all attention was on the chair, someone whose children missed out on their father being around for an hour every Friday evening. Someone who looked like a regular dad with a local high school track tee and cargo shorts, but this was just a visage. He had his own struggles.
“Let’s have a moment of silence for those still suffering from the grapple of alcoholism.” Following this moment of silence, someone read the serenity prayer. It goes like this:
“ God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”
The AA preamble followed this prayer. The thing that stuck out most from that passage was that one must have the capacity to be honest with themselves in order to be successful with AA. If you can not let go of control or be honest, you will not find success in AA. A small wicker basket was then passed around. When it got to me, I stared down into it and saw many George Washingtons and Abraham Lincolns staring back at me. I passed the basket to the man next to me and continued listening. The chair then asked if anyone had any new length of sobriety to be celebrated. He listed off time periods (1 week, 2 weeks, 1 month, etc). One woman raised her hand and stated she had been sober for 30 days as of that day. The entire room clapped and cheered. “30 days? That’s 1/12 of a year! Why are people so proud? She’s still got a long way to go.” But as I continued to listen, my mindset changed drastically.
She walked out of her bedroom, relieved to see both her husband and kids were gone. This meant she had the house to herself for the evening. She stumbled for her keys in the dark and headed to the liquor store. There was no wandering down each aisle, she went straight for her usual; vodka and wine. The cashier made small talk but all she could think about was the places she could pull over on the way home to have a drink. Before she even starts the car, two small bottles are already gone. She thought about her husband and kids, her plan of escape if she saw them back at home. When she pulled in the driveway, her husband's car was gone; a sigh of relief. She stumbled through the front door and up to the bathroom where she finished her sixth small bottle of vodka and half a bottle of wine. She could hear the front door open and her kids yelled "mommyyy where are youuuu?" and that was the last thing she heard before she passed out on the bathroom floor.
The chair began the discussion for the evening. He read from the 24 hour book then called on a man across the room to start the discussion. Everyone’s introduction was “Hello my name is ________ and I’m an alcoholic.” Everyone would then follow in responding with “Hi ________.” Each person who talked had a slightly different story but I saw a common thread in all of them; sobriety was their best friend right now and they were truly working to beat this monster that is alcoholism. Most all of them had to hit some kind of rock bottom before they began recovery.
"For me, my rock bottom was death." Jenna had drank herself to death, literally. Six months earlier, Jenna woke up in a hospital room after being on life support for eight days. Her boyfriend had found her on the floor of their apartment surrounded by liquor bottles, lacking a pulse. 911 was called, it was all a blur after that. The paramedics warned him she did not have much of chance. Recalling those eight days, Jenna had a "white light moment" and "vivid dreams." She wanted to walk towards the light, but part of her held back. Jenna was not done fulfilling God's will for her life. When Jenna woke up, it was as if a switch had flipped. No longer did she want to drink, Jenna wanted to make the most of this "second chance [she] was given at life." Jenna decided to start attending weekly AA meetings and has not had a drink since her death experience.
They all realized this looking back and began to make a change. When they each found AA some recoveries were slower than others. Some had to rework “the steps” several times before finally getting on the right path. Each of them mentioned how good they felt helping others and not being so selfish. When the meeting came to an end the chairperson walked back up to me and asked if I needed anything else. He gave me some literature, as they call it, so I had some background knowledge as to how this all works. I thanked him and before I walked out, one of the older gentleman stopped me. He overheard I was a college student working on a project and asked what college I went to and my major. I responded with IUPUI, Neuroscience Pre-Med. He congratulated me and wished me luck and that I would never fall off the wagon like many of those people had. I found that very sweet and had a smile on my face as I walked back to my car.
I walked into this meeting sitting on my high horse, much like the rest of the world. I left humbled. I learned a lot about not only others, but myself in that meeting. I learned that all these people are people, not just "a bunch of alcoholics." They are human. Some of these people innocently had a drink one day and that’s what started it. Others needed a coping mechanism and just chose the wrong one. These people were mothers and daughters, sons and fathers. I was given a glimpse into each of these people’s daily lives and daily struggles and it humbled me. These people were some of the sweetest most welcoming people, and yet the entire world looks down on them as if they are garbage on the side of the road. I’m the first to admit I’m guilty of thinking it as well; that they are “less than” because society defines them by their struggle. But they are trying. The effort is there, or else they would not have been at that meeting to begin with.
Second Draft 10/8/19
This experience starts an hour before, with a typical girl who has NOTHING to wear. Of course I had tons of options, but what exactly do you wear to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting? I was raised in a Christian household, where we’re told every week at church to love everyone because Jesus loves everyone, except there’s this underlying assumption that people who struggle with addiction are “less than perfect.” As I saw it, I had two options; to walk into that meeting dressed to the nines, making it obvious that I was not one of them, or dress more casual and possibly be mistaken for one of them. I didn’t want either. I settled on jeans and a blouse, with my flashy handbag for balance, deciding it was best to just be me; well dressed and put together.
Fast forward to the church parking lot, the place where the meeting was happening, and I had arrived 15 minutes early. Apparently I was just full of assumptions that night because I figured no one would be on time to an event of this sort, so I sat in my car and waited until 5 minutes before it started. I walked into the front of the church not having a clue where the meeting was exactly. As I turned down the hallway I saw this smaller framed man with glasses bigger than his face, and a big ol grin welcoming me. “He’s welcoming me inside? For all he knows I’m here for the same reason as the rest of them and don’t even look old enough to drink.” He told me there was coffee on the back table and to find a seat anywhere one is open. I smiled, skipped the coffee, and found myself a seat in the back. As I scanned the room all I saw was a bunch of alcoholics. The smiley guy with glasses came up to me and pointed out a seat closer to the front and suggested I sit there. Not wanting to be rude, I picked up my things and switched seats. The room was small, probably used as a Sunday school classroom on Sunday mornings. The tables had been rearranged to form a box-like shape, as close to a circle as they could get. The chair of the meeting that week walked over and asked if I was a nurse shadowing this meeting for clinical purposes. “Thank goodness it’s obvious I’m not one of them” I thought to myself, very relieved. I explained I was a college student doing research for a project and without skipping a beat he okayed me taking notes, but asked I refrain from pictures that would involve faces, out of respect of the anonymity of this group. I thanked him and he sat back down. I waited for the meeting to begin, quietly sitting in my seat, observing the room. There were only four women, and about twenty-five men. I noticed mostly older gentlemen who reminded me of my grandpa, but there were a few younger people. There was one guy in particular who stuck out to me, he didn’t look much older than me and was very well dressed and put together. This hit me hard. “Even people like me end up in these meetings too.”
By this point the meeting was starting and all attention was on the chair, someone whose children missed out on their father being around for an hour every Friday evening. Someone who looked like a regular dad with a local high school track tee and cargo shorts, but this was just a visage. He had his own struggles.
“Let’s have a moment of silence for those still suffering from the grapple of alcoholism.” Following this moment of silence, someone read the serenity prayer. It goes like this:
“ God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”
The AA preamble followed this prayer. The thing that stuck out most from that passage was that one must have the capacity to be honest with themselves in order to be successful with AA. If you can not let go of control or be honest, you will not find success in AA. A small wicker basket was then passed around. When it got to me, I stared down into it and saw many George Washingtons and Abraham Lincolns staring back at me. I passed the basket to the man next to me and continued listening. The chair then asked if anyone was in need of a start over token. No one indicated they did. By the name of it my inference was that if you need a start over token, you broke you period of sobriety whether it be 6 weeks or 6 months or even 6 years. The chair then asked if anyone had any new length of sobriety to be celebrated. He listed off time periods (1 week, 2 weeks, 1 month, etc). The elderly woman raised her hand and stated she had been sober for 30 days as of that day. The entire room clapped and cheered. “30 days? That’s 1/12 of a year! Why are people so proud? She’s still got a long way to go.” But as I continued to listen, my mindset changed drastically.
The chair then began the actual meeting and started discussion for the evening. He read from the 24 hour book then called on a man across the room to start the discussion. He explained it would continue to that man’s right and circle back around. Everyone’s introduction was “Hello my name is ________ and I’m an alcoholic.” Everyone would then follow in responding with “Hi ________.” The person would then talk if he/she wanted to or just say they were just there to listen that evening. Each person who talked had a slightly different story but I saw a common thread in all of them; sobriety was their best friend right now and they were truly working to beat this monster that is alcoholism. Most all of them had to hit some kind of rock bottom before they began recovery. For one woman it was death, for another man it was near-death, and for one man it was being arrested. They all realized this looking back and began to make a change. When they each found AA some recoveries were slower than others. Some had to rework “the steps” several times before finally getting on the right path. Each of them mentioned how good they felt helping others and not being so selfish (with the assumption and knowledge that being an alcoholic is a selfish act). When the meeting came to an end the chairperson walked back up to me and asked if I needed anything else. He gave me some literature, as they call it, so I had some background knowledge as to how this all works. I thanked him and before I walked out, one of the older gentleman stopped me. He overheard I was a college student working on a project and asked what college I went to. I said IUPUI and I was doing an immersion project for English. He asked my major and I responded with Biology Pre-Med. he congratulated me and wished me luck and that I would never fall off the wagon like many of those people had. I found that very sweet and I had a smile on my face as I walked back to my car.
I walked into this meeting sitting on my high horse, much like the rest of the world. I left humbled. I learned a lot about not only others, but myself in that meeting. I learned that all these people are people. They are human. Some of these people innocently had a drink one day and that’s what started it. Others needed a coping mechanism and just chose the wrong one. These people were mothers and daughters, sons and fathers. I was given a glimpse into each of these people’s daily lives and daily struggles and it humbled me. These people were some of the sweetest most welcoming people, and yet the entire world looks down on them as if they are garbage on the side of the road. I’m the first to admit I’m guilty of thinking it as well; that they are “less than” because society defines them by their struggle. But they are trying. The effort is there, or else they would not have been at that meeting to begin with.
First Draft 10/3/19
This experience starts at my house, a typical girl that has NOTHING to wear. Of course I had tons of options, but what exactly do you wear to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting? I was raised in a Christian household, where we’re told every week at church to love everyone. But there’s this underlying assumption in how I was raised that people who struggle with addiction are “less than perfect.” As I saw it, I had two options; to walk into that meeting dressed to the nines, making it obvious that I was not one of them, or I could dress more casual and possibly be mistaken for one of them. I didn’t want either. I settled on jeans and a blouse, with my baby pink flashy handbag for balance. I decided it was best to just be me; well dressed and put together.
Fast forward to the church parking lot, the place where the meeting was taking place, and I arrived 15 minutes early. I guess I was just full of assumptions that night because I figured no one would be on time so I sat in my car and waited until 5 minutes before it started. I walked into the front of the church not having a clue where the meeting was exactly. The facility was nice, decorated modern so to be appealing to the younger generation. I walked down the hallway I saw and saw this smaller framed man with glasses bigger than his face, and a big ol grin welcoming me. He told me I was welcome to grab some coffee and find a seat. “I hope he really doesn’t think I’m here for the same reason as everyone else,” I thought to myself. I smiled, skipped the coffee because it was so late, and found myself a seat in the back. The room was small, probably used as a Sunday school classroom on Sunday mornings. The tables had been rearranged to form a box-like shape, as close to a circle as they could get. The table with the coffee was shoved in the back left corner and the weird circle of tables was shifted more to the right. I sat down at the back end of the table when the smiley guy with classes came up to me and pointed out a seat closer to the front and suggested I sit there. Not wanting to be rude, I picked up my things and switched seats. I was now sitting next to a younger man, probably late 30s, early 40s, and he was drinking a Monster. I stuck that in the back of my mind in case that was relevant to anything that was discussed in the next hour. The chair of the meeting that week walked over, smiled and introduced himself, He asked for my name and if I was a nurse shadowing this meeting for clinical purposes. “Thank goodness it’s obvious I’m not one of them” I thought to myself, very relieved. I explained I was a college student doing research for a project and without skipping a beat he okayed me taking notes but asked I refrain from pictures that would involve faces, out of respect of the anonymity of this group. I thanked him and he sat back down. I waited for the meeting to begin, quietly sitting in my seat, observing the room. There were only 4 women, and about 25 men. Come to find out later, one of the women was just visiting to support her friend, she was not an alcoholic. I scanned the room and saw mostly older gentlemen who reminded me of my grandpa. There was one guy who stuck out when I scanned, he didn’t look much older than me and he was very well dressed and put together. This hit me hard. “Even people like me end up in these meetings too” I kept looking and saw younger women, and one older woman. There were a couple younger men, old enough to be fathers for sure. No one talked about their kids if they had any but it broke my heart knowing there are probably kids at home right now wondering where their mommy or daddy is and why they leave every friday night, or possibly every night. I almost started tearing up so I looked back down at the ground. By this point the meeting was started and the chair began with a moment of silence. No this isn’t the typical moment of silence we hold for those fighting for our country, but rather a moment of silence for those still fighting the strong grip of alcoholism. Following this moment of silence, someone read the serenity prayer. It goes like this:
“ God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”
The AA preamble followed this prayer. The thing that stuck out most from that passage was that one must have the capacity to be honest with themselves in order to be successful with AA. If you can not let go of control or be honest, you will not find success in AA. A small circular wicker basket was then passed around. When it got to me, I stared down into it and saw many George Washingtons and Abraha Lincolns staring back at me. I passed the basket to the man next to me and continued listening. Another person began reading a passage called “How it Works” which briefly explains how the process of becoming sober works with the help of AA. Following that was a reading of “The Promises.” The chair then asked if anyone was in need of a start over token. No one indicated they did. By the name of it my inference was that if you need a start over token, you broke you period of sobriety whether it be 6 weeks or 6 months or even 6 years. The chair then asked if anyone had any new length of sobriety to be celebrated. He listed off time periods (1 week, 2 weeks, 1 month, etc). The elderly woman raised her hand and stated she had been sober for 30 days as of that day. The entire room clapped and cheered. No one else said anything. There was a GSR report followed by a secretary report. None of which pertained much to what I was there for so I took this as another chance to scan the room. These people are mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters and wives and husbands. They are people too. God does not love them any less because of a temptation they struggle with. I kept having to remind myself of that.
The chair then began the actual meeting and started discussion for the evening. He read from the 24 hour book then called on a man across the room to start the discussion. He explained it would continue to that man’s right and circle back around. Everyone’s introduction was “Hello my name is ________ and I’m an alcoholic.” Everyone would then follow in responding with “Hi ________.” The person would then talk if he/she wanted to or just say they were just there to listen that evening. Each person who talked had a slightly different story but I saw a common thread in all of them; sobriety was their best friend right now and they were truly working to beat this monster that is alcoholism. Most all of them had to hit some kind of rock bottom before they began recovery. For one woman it was death, for another man it was near-death, and for one man it was being arrested. Each of them had a story and each of them were st of them had to hit some sort of rock bottom before they began seeking help to become sober. For one woman it was death, for another man it was near-death, and for one man it was being arrested. They all realized this looking back and began to make a change. When they each found AA some recoveries were slower than others. Some had to rework “the steps” several times before finally getting on the right path. Each of them mentioned how good they felt helping others and not being so selfish (with the assumption and knowledge that being an alcoholic is a selfish act). When the meeting came to an end the chairperson walked back up to me and asked if I needed anything else. He gave me some literature, as they call it, so I had some background knowledge as to how this all works. I thanked him and before I walked out, one of the older gentleman stopped me. He overheard I was a college student working on a project and asked what college I went to. I said IUPUI and I was doing an immersion project for English. He asked my major and I responded with Biology Pre-Med. he congratulated me and wished me luck and that I would never fall off the wagon like many of those people had. I found that very sweet and I had a smile on my face as I walked back to my car.